I did say I didn’t feel like posting bu this last break(if we can call it that) aroused many strong feelings and awakened the blog Kumbakarna in me. Different people have different motives for coming to grad school. I too had mine and decided to take the plunge back into academia so much so that the thought of a Phd doesn’t seem scary. Of all the academic experiences, this has been the most intense. There have been incessant deadlines and assignments and submissions and time for reflection is a luxury one can ill afford.
But it has been a revelation in a sense. It has strongly made me question what I am doing here, what my broader life plans are and the experience has been rather a humbling one, where you are merely a statistic making up the numbers. It was Stalin who said ‘A single death is a tragedy, a million deaths a statistic.’ I digress as usual. It’s the quizzer in me :)
The constraints on time places you in a weird Catch-22 situation. People on campus are going through the exact same troubles that you are and you find it a bit much to place a strain on them to talk about it. Chin up and be a man they said. The external world doesn’t know what you’re upto and can’t identify and you are at pains to explain the exact workings of the system you voluntarily chose to get into ,which is extracting much out of you.
But above all, the course of this nature has a profound impact on the type of person that you want to become after. The different things that we look for and different things we want to become. I saw ‘Wake up Sid’ recently and the incessant shots of Marine Drive and Metro brought back memories of Xavier’s to the fore. Of a time which was less complicated and where we felt that life would be met with ease.
But above all, I believe a course of this kind teaches you to be selfish. Selfish about your needs, goals and desires and whatever makes you happy. But what matters?
‘You don’t understand who they thought I was supposed to be.’